Masters and Johnson spent years studying sexual response, but their observations were limited to physical reactions like heart rate, muscle tone, hardness, and wetness.
But you can be perfectly hard or wet and still have very boring sex.
Here’s what I tell patients in my office to look for, if you want to be sure you’re genuinely aroused
1. You lose a fair number of IQ points.
If someone gave you an IQ test during peak arousal, you wouldn’t do too well on it. The tester might have a hard time getting you to pay attention to the questions.
Good sex definitely makes you dumber. And great sex can make you downright stupid.
When you’re aroused, sex grabs your attention. You stop thinking about bills, worries, responsibilities—your entire portfolio of ordinary concerns.
Your time sense may get a little messed up. (Sexually aroused people tend to arrive late to meetings).
2. You become somewhat more childish.
Sexual excitement puts you in a more primitive and selfish state of mind. It makes you less patient, less forgiving.
You don’t tolerate frustration very well. You become somewhat immature. (OK, sometimes a lot immature!)
If the phone rings during lovemaking, you don’t care who’s calling, or what they want.
You may feel very close to your partner, but it’s a selfish kind of closeness. You’re not really interested in listening to the details of how their day went.
You just want them to give you their complete attention, and to tell you how wonderful you are.
3. You feel absolutely wonderful about yourself.
Arousal feels special. Validating.
Good sex makes us feel good about ourselves. That’s how we know it’s good sex.
With good lovemaking, we have a feeling of “Yes, that’s me. Here I am. You found me.” We feel in touch with our deepest, most authentic selves.
It’s a grateful feeling. ‘Yes, you found me. The me of me. Thank you for finding me. Thank you for bringing me home to where I really live.’
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